


it would've been you

by girlonthelasttrain



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: (the ghost of) Jadzia Dax, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Pining, being close to Dax is always complicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 02:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17951609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlonthelasttrain/pseuds/girlonthelasttrain
Summary: “Is it true?” she says, not caring if it sounds menacing. “What you said last night. Is it true?”Ezri remains still for a few long moments, and Kira thinks she’ll feign ignorance. But then Ezri’s shoulders sag, and she diverts her eyes. “I think so. But I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”It's Kira, not Julian, the one on the receiving end of "If Worf hadn't come along, it would've been you". AU, inspired bythis tumblr post.





	it would've been you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jadzeanna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadzeanna/gifts).



> This is a revised version of [this fic](https://romulan-commander.tumblr.com/post/174925708865/yes-hello-today-i-cranked-out-1500-words-of-sad) that I originally posted in June 2018, which was based on [this post](https://jadzeanna.tumblr.com/post/174755287297/romulan-commander-i-still-prefer-to-think-of) by jadzeanna.

“If Worf hadn’t come along, it would’ve been you.”

Kira blinks. It takes a couple of seconds for Ezri’s words to register, and during that time Ezri’s smile fades and her eyes widen almost comically. Like the words she just said are as unexpected for her as they are for Kira.

“I need to go,” Ezri mumbles, and she’s on her feet so quickly that the chair almost topples down behind her. Ezri doesn’t look at Kira as she skirts the table and rushes towards the door.

Kira watches her leave Quark’s, and blinks again a couple of times before a shout of ‘dabo’ pierces the fog that has settled in her mind.

_It would’ve been you._

Ezri must be confused, Kira thinks while walking on the semi-deserted Promenade. Another one of those moments when the memories of Dax’s past hosts mix up and Ezri can’t unravel the threads of who thought what.

Jadzia’s smirk flashes in her mind just as Kira reaches the turbolift, and she closes her eyes, the heavy familiar weight of her absence settling on her guts.

_It would’ve been you._

“Habitat ring,” Kira spits out, wishing she would stop thinking about it already.

The turbolift sputters and whirrs then sets in motion. Kira leans with her back against the cool metal panels.

_It would’ve been you._

It’s not until later, when Kira has revisited all her memories of Jadzia already worn frayed by grief, asking herself if she had been making the wrong assumptions all along, that she’s able to make sense of those words.

_It would’ve been you._

“If you’d asked, I would’ve said yes,” Kira whispers to the dark of her quarters.

A sob wracks her chest, and she clamps a hand on her mouth.

Odo finds her not long after, still unable to stop crying and incapable of explaining what’s wrong. It’s all too much, too unfair—

Like losing Jadzia a second time.

Exhausted, Kira falls asleep in Odo’s arms well into the night, but she finds no rest in her dreams.

* * *

Kira marches towards the Station Counselor’s office more than ready to get this over with. The massive headache she’s woken up with has not dissipated during the morning service in the temple, and her mood is less than conciliatory.

All of it must be obvious on her face, because as soon she steps into the office Ezri freezes behind her desk like a startled hara cat, eyes unblinking. Kira waits until the door closes behind her before speaking.

“Is it true?” she says, not caring if it sounds menacing. “What you said last night. Is it true?”

Ezri remains still for a few long moments, and Kira thinks she’ll feign ignorance. But then Ezri’s shoulders sag, and she diverts her eyes. “I think so. But I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”

“Why,” Kira asks hoarsely.

“I didn’t— _Jadzia_ didn’t want to put you in a difficult position.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“There just never was a good moment to tell you!” Ezri looks up at her, and her expression is so miserable that it makes Kira pause. “There was Bareil, and then he died and you grieved him for months. Then there was Lenara and I was— I mean it was Jadzia’s turn to be heartbroken. And then Shakaar.” Ezri shook her head. “The timing was never right.”

Kira almost sways. Prophets. She needs to sit down.

There’s a couch backed against the wall in front of Ezri’s desk, and Kira takes a seat there, leaning with her elbows on her knees and taking her head in both hands.

It’s worse than she imagined. It had been going on for _years,_ years of not realizing what was in front her eyes. She can picture Jadzia’s smile like she’s in the room, cracking a joke. Kira would cry again, if she had any tears left from last night.

She hears Ezri standing up and walking towards her.

Kira lifts her head to look up at her. “I didn’t know,” she whispers, voice grating on her throat.

“That was part of the reason I didn’t tell you before and I shouldn’t have told you last night,” Ezri replies with a frown. She crouches down in front of Kira before continuing. “And, because the timing still isn’t right.”

“Then why did you?”

Ezri sighs, and stares the floor in front of her before answering. “We were reminiscing, and you were laughing, and I— the words just came out. I’m sorry.”

Kira closes her eyes and exhales. When she opens them again Ezri is still there, waiting. This girl _—_ she couldn’t be more different than Jadzia, with her round face, her scruffy hair and her rambling. But she’s so still, and the way she’s looking at her now—

It’s so sudden that Kira swears she hears the click inside her head, and all her hostility dissipates like morning frost under the sun. Of course, it’s still her. The young Trill before her really _is_ Dax.

They stare at each other in awkward silence; Kira’s mind is blank, the sudden revelation impossible to voice and the headache only making it all worse. It’s Ezri that breaks the stillness, and hesitantly lays a hand on Kira’s knee. Her light touch is surprisingly comforting.

“I really didn’t want you to know, especially not like this.”

Kira sighs. “You were right. It’s still not a good time.”

“I know.” She looks away, hurt.

“Ezri,” Kira leans in, and cups Ezri’s cheek with her hand. “I know you’re Dax, but you’re not Jadzia. You need to figure out what _you_ want, to separate your feelings from hers. ”

Ezri only glances at Kira for a moment, eyes bright. “I know that. It’s just not that easy to make a distinction.” She makes a face. “At least it’s out in the open now.”

Kira takes back her hand and chuckles. It’s always so damn complicated with Dax. Kira doesn’t know how Sisko ever coped with them.

“I wish so many things had gone differently,” Kira says in the end.

Ezri nods. “Me too.”

“I really had no idea that Jadzia—,” Kira trails off, hesitant to qualify the feelings of her dead friend.

“Loved you?” Ezri concludes for her. She remains silent, eyes unfocused in the distance, then continues: “I think she was afraid of not being the right person for you, because there were things of you she knew she couldn’t understand fully. She didn’t want to force it.”

Kira’s jaw clenches. “Between me and her I don’t know who was blinder.”

“The timing—”

“— wasn’t right. Yeah.” Kira wipes her eyes with a hand.

Ezri squeezes her knee with a hand, and Kira can’t help but smile in return.

“You must be tired of squatting like that. You can sit on the couch too, you know.”

Ezri complies and plops down on the couch beside Kira, crossing her feet under her legs.

“What do we do now?” Ezri asks. Kira can’t sense any particular expectation in her tone.

“Live with the consequences?” Kira deadpans, then she turns towards Ezri with a smirk.

Ezri laughs, but soon she sobers up, eyes downcast.

“You and Jadzia— you both found relationships that made you happy. You have Odo. Don’t worry too much about what could’ve been, if you can.”

Kira’s chest tightens. Ezri is trying so hard.

“Is that the counselor speaking?”

“I heard I did a passable job lately,” Ezri replies.

Kira chuckles. “I suppose we should both follow your advice. We can only go forward.”

“You see, I wasn’t wrong. You’d really make a good counselor,” Ezri says with a small smile.

Kira can’t help but laugh. Dax and their humor— never the same and yet always there. Still smiling, Kira leans back on the couch, and closes her eyes.

“If I were the counselor,” she says, “I would get a more comfortable couch.”

“Oh, the chair behind the desk is terrible, too, but the wartime budget doesn’t allow for replacements. I’m stuck with all this old and uncomfortable Cardassian furniture that I can’t get rid of.” Ezri pauses. “Hmm. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere.”

Kira’s eyes flutter open, and she stares at Ezri. She could reply that there’s a lot of unwanted and ugly Cardassian junk in her head too, but the words seem inadequate when Ezri looks so small and troubled.

“Ezri,” she murmurs, and reaches out to cup her cheek with her hand once again.

Ezri covers Kira’s hand with her own, and the corners of her mouth turn up. “Nerys, don’t worry about me. I’m ok.” She frowns. “Alright, maybe I’m not ok. But I will be.”

Kira can only grin at that declaration of defiance. Both of them will be ok, she’s sure of it.

Later, Ezri accompanies her to the door. Kira notices Ezri’s hands linked behind her back and her restless gaze well before she voices her question.

“Would you— would you still meet me at Quark’s like we were doing before?”

“Of course,” Kira says gently.

Ezri looks up at her, and her eyes are once again very bright. “If you need more time to process—”

“I will take it, I promise.” Kira hesitates. It’s probably too soon to say out loud what’s going on in her mind, but she’s been cautious enough for one lifetime. “Talking to you helps, you know. I am— very glad you are the one carrying Jadzia’s memories.”

The bashful smile Ezri gives her in return remains with Kira long after the doors of the Station Counselor’s office close behind her.

_It would’ve been you._

If speaking her mind was a bad idea Kira can’t bring herself to care.


End file.
